I just read an article advocating extreme moderation that came just in time. Lately I am trying to settle a quarrel that has been going on for a while now between the voice that says that I’m a spoiled princess that does not want to face life’s hardships, and the other voice (probably the spoiled princess’ :p ) that says I have struggled enough and I am at a point in my life where knowing my skills and my worth allow me to not do the things that I don’t want to do. Of course all jobs have up sides and down sides, but I’m not talking about those. I’m talking about having to do something that my whole being revolts against.
Now I’m wondering who’s voice is the one fighting for me to suck it up. Is it society? In the competitive world that we are living easy is shameful. And I feel guilty every time I look around and realize I have a pretty easy life. I haven’t always had it, but now I do. And I feel guilty for enjoying my own life. WtF?!? This is the point where the article shed some light. We live in a competitive world where everything is being pushed to extremes. Whether work or leisure, it has to be extraordinary. And I just don’t want extraordinary. I want to enjoy my hobbies whenever I feel like it, not excelling at them, just play around. I wanna have time to waste. My best ideas come while being a bit bored. I want to enjoy the loved one’s company just for the sake of being around them. We don’t need to do anything special, we don’t need to focus and plan on quality time. Sharing a smile, giving a hug, listening to someone talking the language that comes natural for them to build the bridge of communication, that is just enough.
Who’s voice is the one saying it has to be hard to be true. That is has to be earned to have value. I haven’t earned my husband, but been swept away by him. I haven’t earned my mind, still it is precious for the way it works. Trust me, this is beyond practice, it’s native. I haven’t earned my blue eyes, still they are one of my best features. I haven’t earned my loving parents. The list can go on, an they are all things of great value in my life. We have been thought somewhere along the way that receiving is bad. Charity is shameful and all that we receive instead of earning is charity.
How about we start receiving things with a graceful thank you. How about we stop evaluating and measuring and just stay in the present. How about we stop making amends and compromise and instead stay true to ourselves? If this is the Princess that doesn’t want to face life’s hardships, then I ‘ll go with her, thank you. There are enough wrong things in this world for me to stand in line for that. I’ll just go stand in the other line where there is joy and laughter. I’ve made my choice.
For a very long time now I have refused to show and talk about my feelings or explain myself to anyone who is not extremely close to me. Extremely close are only my husband and my best friends. Even from them I am sometimes hiding how I feel, especially when I think they might be influenced in taking a decision. Do you know why that happens? Because I truly believe that expressing your feelings has a manipulative purpose. I know with my conscious mind that is not always true. But I still have not been able to really convince myself of the fact.
I grew up with a parent figure that used feelings to get us kids to do things. Then I was in a relationship for ten years where he would use emotional blackmail and emotional manipulation on a daily basis. He would withdraw his Continue reading “Confessing into change”
Pe un camp cu flori, in mijlocul verii, o tanara fata se plimba impreuna cu mama ei. Din cand in cand, fata se apleca si culegea cate o floare pentru a-i numara petalele si, daca aveau numar par, o mirosea si si-o prindea in coada impletita. Dar daca numarul de petale era impar, fata incepea jocul, intotdeauna cu “Ma iubeste”. Orice altceva era de neconceput si de nesuportat pentru sufletul ei fraged. Mama, contemplandu-si fiica cu flori in par si sperante in suflet, isi amintea de propria ei tinerete cand era indragostita de tatal fetei si urma sa se marite cu el. Era si ea la fel de emotionata. Si isi amintea cum, intr-o zi ca aceasta, in timp ce culegea flori pentru coronite si canta un cantec vechi din mosi stramosi, care stia ca ii va fi cantat si ei la nunta, a vazut o batrana cu o caprita apropiindu-se de ea. Isi amintea si acum povestea pe care batrana aceea i-o spusese si se hotari ca deseara, cand mireasa si fetele din sat vor impleti impreuna coronite, cantand, pentru nunta de a doua zi, sa le spuna si lor acea poveste.
– Dragele mele, am sa va spun povestea pe care mi-a spus-o o batrana cu o zi inaintea nuntii mele.
Fetele se agitara incantate, gata sa asculte.
– Erau o data intr-un tinut de munte cinci surori pe care viata, cu toate provocarile ei, le-a indepartat una de cealalta. Patru dintre ele au parasit casa parinteasca, una cate una, maritandu-se cu barbatii de care erau indragostite. Au lasat in urma rasetele copilariei, cantecele pe care le cantasera impreuna si micile certuri dintre ele, care le umbreau cateodata zilele. Cea mai mica a ramas sa isi ajute parintii si sa aiba grija de casa pe care, mai tarziu, a mostenit-o. Ani de zile au stat departe una de alta, pana intr-o zi, cand, impovarate de vina, si-au trimis vorba pentru a se reintalni cu toatele in casa copilariei lor. Aveau secrete sa-si marturiseasca. Continue reading “Povestea intregului”
Take off your mask. It doens’t help, it actually only makes it worse. It makes it harder to be. Because that is just what you want, right? To be? Of course. To be happy, to be yourself, to be accepted, to be loved, to be in that state of blissfulness that only trust can give you. Trust in yourself, trust in others, trust in love, and trust in the ultimate kindness of human kind. And love… Oh, love! Such a cliche, isn’t it? Continue reading “Take off your mask”