Despre singuratate si libertate

“Singuratatea e mai grea intr-un loc in care nu ai amintiri din copilarie, in care n-ai un trecut comun cu nimeni.” – Ilica Bernea, Numele tau si alte erezii

Ciudat, eu simt exact invers. Acel trecut e ca o casa cu fantome care ma tine p
rizoniera. Mi-a luat mult sa reusesc sa-l asez intr-o oarecare siguranta, de unde sa nu-si mai poata intinde tentaculele pana la mine.

Singurateate totala pe care am experimentat-o in Bucuresti cand m-am mutat acolo nu doar ca n-a fost grea, dimpotriva, a fost eliberatoare pana la paroxism. Dintr-o data eu, desi la momentul respectiv nu intelegeam toate astea, nu mai eram creatia altora – bunici, parinti, prieteni, parteneri, comunitate, metalitate specifica. In Bucuresti, trecutul pare ca nu apuca niciodata sa se formeze, se dizolva imediat ce este atins de trecerea timpului. Imi place asta la nebunie, faptul ca nu-si lasa pata pe lumea materiala ca sa fie vazuta si revazuta mereu de mine si de oricine altcineva, sa ocupe un spatiu pe care sa nu poti pune nimic altceva pentru ca s-ar pata. Tot ceea ce ramane din el este doar si doar in interiorul meu, pur, personal si intim. Usor ca razele soarelui care ma incalzesc si-mi lumineaza calea. Soarele care ma face mereu sa ma simt usoara,


plina de viata si de entuziasm.

Insa in Bucuresti, acum prezentul a devenit ploios, greu si extrem de limitant, blocant chiar. N-as sti sa spun cum s-a intamplat asta sau de ce. Cred ca prea multa libertate te poate bloca. Prea mult din orice, naste nevoia de echilibru, la fel cum ideea de echilibru nu poate exista in lipsa extremelor. Probabil ca cine sunt eu, cine am aflat despre mine singura ca sunt, are acum nevoie de un cadru la care sa se raporteze. Acum, ca interiorul meu a devenit atat de vast incat si-a pierdut marginile si mi-am interiorizat libertatea transpusa intr-un Bucuresti care m-a invatat cum sa fac asta, am nevoie ca exteriorul, locul in care traiesc, sa-si arate granitele pentru ca acum stiu ca ele nu sunt si nu au fost niciodata fixe, ci sunt doar repere.

Dupa 5 ani petrecuti in Bucuresti, acum, in orasul meu natal, in care am revenit de curand pentru a ramane, prezentul nu mai e sufocant, nu ma mai simt prizoniera, iar de-acum ceea ce va forma trecutul este presarat prin lumea intreaga, prin fiecare calatorie, prin fiecare noua experienta si descoperire, care nu-mi sunt prizonierele orasului, ci traiesc in libertatea interiorului meu, o lume vasta, fara margini. Pana de curand asta nu a fost posibil. De fiecare cand reveneam, pentru cateva zile, era mereu la fel, trecutul navalea peste mine si aveam impresia ca fantomele lui distrug cu suflarea lor putreda orice as fi putut creea nou si doar al meu, imi fura orice incercare dand-o unei alteritati nenumite. Nu-mi dadeau voie sa mai exist. Fiecare drum de intoarcere in Bucuresti imi permitea ragazul de a ma rematerializez in realitatea mea, nu a altcuiva.
Din fericire, a trecut suficient de mult timp ca acest oras natal sa devina un puzzle nou care abia incepe sa se formeze. Iar piesele vechi care insista sa se interpuna cateodata le voi strange si le voi da drumul in rau, sa le duca apa in depozitul potentialitatilor dintr-o alta lume, o dimensiune in care trecutul inca nu s-a format si ar putea folosi acele piese pentru a se creea in mod total diferit.

Despre viitor simt ca nu pot sa spun inca nimic. Pare ca acesta inca nu poata fi legat de un loc, nici macar de cel interior. Si, cumva, dupa cat de tare am obosit incercand sa intrevad si sa infaptuiesc viitorurile pe care mi le-am imaginat, asta pare linistitor. Deocamdata…


Who are you when you are in love?

“Is it only when you are in love with another person that you see them as they really are? And in the ordinary way when you are not in love with people, you see only a fragmented version of that being? Because when you are in love with someone you do indeed see them as a divine being and suppose that’s what they are truly. And your eyes have by you beloved been open, in which case your beloved is serving to you as a kind of guru, an initiator. […] or you could put it this way, which is another aspect of it; that by falling in love and by falling in love not just as a sort of sexual infatuation, cause it’s always more than that, isn’t it? […] But when you fall in love it’s much more serious involvement. You just cannot forget this person, you feel miserable when not in their presence, you’re always yearning: let’s see more of each other, let’s get together, we’re completely entangled. Then, you see, a kind of what I call, spiritual element has been introduced.[…] Falling in love is a thing that strikes like lightening and is therefor extremely analogous to the mystical vision.” – Alan Watts


Falling in love makes you get out of your comfort zone, explore new things, discover new worlds. When you are in love you are more open to adventure, to learn new thin
gs. You seem to be a whole different person. But are you, really?
Or is it just that when you are in love you see yourself through the eyes of the person who is in love with you, and you let yourself really be free in all your aspects because you are just as perfect and whole as they see you and as you have always felt deep inside that you are? Continue reading “Who are you when you are in love?”

Free from the box

I’m reading a book these days called “Your name and other heresies” by a Romanian writer, Ilinca Bernea. At some point in the beginning she talks about what makes a woman ugly:

“What is ugliness? It is something that happens to you. You are told: you are a smart girl, since you are small you are conditioned, like a lab rat, to be a prizewinning pupil and to despise all the airs and frills of a woman. For once. It is the way others see you by dint of what you were programed to convey. It is the way you come to see yourself through the self education you got from the outside. It is a blend of shyness, inhibition and shame of your own image and physical identity.” […] “To resume: ugliness is taming”

And I was wondering how many women feel like that? How many of us have been told in childhood or early adolescence that we are not beautiful, but we are kind, or smart or whatever. Bottom line, we are not beautiful. There is no sense in pursuing Continue reading “Free from the box”

As whole as we can

Djuna Barnes said: “A man is whole only when he takes into account his shadow” and C. G. Jung said: “I’d rather be whole then good.” He is also the one to talk about the shadow, a term Jung introduced in psychology to designate the unconscious aspect of the personality, “the thing a person has no wish to be”. To put it plain and simple, while we might hate things like being greedy, lazy, aggressive, seductive, manipulating, toad-eating etc, we are most likely to have those very things lurking around inside of us, but we keep them very well guarded and don’t allow them to manifest. Or so we think.
For a very long time I loathed manipulation and thought I did my best to avoid doing it. I hated lies and thought of myself to be one of the most honest people I know. I played the role of the savior for victims and thought I hated the aggressor. These are just a few of the things that come to my mind regarding how I saw myself and the image I had about myself. Then I went into therapy, and in the past 2 years and a half I have discovered what Jung would call the shadow. Further more, I have discovered I cannot be whole, I can not be really myself until I come to recognize and accept all these things as a part of myself. Yes I do lie sometimes and I do cut corners; yes, I do manipulate – less now that I am conscious of doing it – and yes I am just as bad as the aggressor when I jump to the rescue of a victim, because I place her in a position of inferiority, acting as if I know better for her, therefor annulling the person that is the victim.
You know the pink elephant in the room? Well, it’s there whether we like it or not. As long as we are going to ignore Continue reading “As whole as we can”

Who are you trying to please?

Who are you trying to please? Just take a moment and think about it before you proudly say “No one but myself!” or just bow your head and sadly mutter “Everyone!” as if you had an incurable disease. Just think about if for a moment. We are all trying to please someone, even if it’s just a critical voice in our heads that we internalized at some point and developed it way beyond the cruelty of reality. We are trying to please our parents because we care for them and we don’t want to see them hurt. We are trying to please our girl/boyfriends because our happiness depends on them. Or so we think. We are trying to please our close friends because we want them in our lives.

Everyone we are trying to please is a person we want in our lives. Have you ever asked yourself if the ones that you want in your life, want you in their lives? And if they really do want you in their lives, do you think they would just leave you so easily because you don’t please them? How about if they do leave because they don’t feel like you are giving them all they want? What then? What would you have lost? Someone who knows how to ask but does not know how to really Continue reading “Who are you trying to please?”

Confessing into change

For a very long time now I have refused to show and talk about my feelings or explain myself to anyone who is not extremely close to me. Extremely close are only my husband and my best friends. Even from them I am sometimes hiding how I feel, especially when I think they might be influenced in taking a decision. Do you know why that happens? Because I truly believe that expressing your feelings has a manipulative purpose. I know with my conscious mind that is not always true. But I still have not been able to really convince myself of the fact.

I grew up with a parent figure that used feelings to get us kids to do things. Then I was in a relationship for ten years where he would use emotional blackmail and emotional manipulation on a daily basis. He would withdraw his Continue reading “Confessing into change”


It’s a beautiful desert
The place that I live in
With hills ever changing
And the color of love.
At night the sky is closer
The stars sing solely to me
And I forget about the sun
So hot, so cruel, so bright
Burning, blinding, drying
Out my soul.
The blissful drops of water
That flood my night-time dreaming
Are just a painful promise
That’s always out of reach.
One day I’ll dry out hoping
And I’ll be like the dust
A toy for playful winds
Scattered to complete the beauty
Of the desert that I live in.